Day 210: Catharsis

Today, one year ago, Momma made her last joke. There were a bunch of family friends at the house, hanging out like it was Grand Central Station (as always), and she nodded when I asked her if she wanted me to help her out of bed to go see everyone in the living room. When Pops told me he didn't think it was a good idea, I asked her--"Momma, do you want to stay in here or do you want to go see all the people?" It was hard for her to talk at the time, so she held her hands out in front of her, palms facing out, fingers interlaced. It took a minute for us to understand, but she was making the hand sign from the childhood rhyme, "Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people." She smiled so big when we finally understood.

It is safe to say that I'm in the anger stage of grief. I'm pissed off at the world, and I'm pissed off at God. I was in one of those moods tonight so I got my coat on at 10 pm (it's 40 degrees outside, y'all!), put my boots on, and walked to a nearby park in San Quirino. I sat down and proceeded to look at the stars in the clear night sky and tell God every reason I could think of why I was so mad at him and at the world. About 5 minutes into it, I thought I saw a shooting star, but figured it was just the tears in my eyes clouding my vision. But no, I happened to go outside to complain in the middle of a meteor shower. In 20 minutes I saw 6 shooting stars....

At the end of my cry session, when I was out of tears for the moment, I looked up at the stars and said,
Momma, if you can hear me, I love you. I miss you and my heart aches every day for you. I wish I could hear your voice again... I can't believe it's been a year since I've been able to hug you. I miss you, Momma. 
As soon as I finished, the biggest shooting star I've ever seen streaked across the sky. It was probably a coincidence, but it still made me feel connected to the universe somehow. 

A friend told me earlier that being able to pour your heart out to someone physically doesn't ever take the pain away. I agree, but I feel like just being able to say things that I've kept inside for a year makes my soul feel lighter. My heart still hurts with every passing day, and that pain will never go away. But never underestimate the power of catharsis.